The Sound of Novelty Songs
by cheri1
Summary: 10th Doctor with Rose, Jack and Simm!Master. Humor AU After years of searching for just the right thing to drive the Doctor insane, the Master has finally found the most fiendish thing in the universe. Cheesy novelty songs. One Shot.


The Master smirked at the Doctor as he sat strapped into the chair in his torture room. He had managed to ambush him and spirit him away to his hideout before Rose or Jack could do anything to save him. Now his greatest enemy was at his mercy and he had just the thing to drive him insane forever.

"You won't get away with this, Master." The Doctor snarled as he tried to fight the restraints.

"How do you know? You don't even know what I'm gonna do yet." He replied.

"Whatever it is, it isn't good. I know that much."

The Master nodded.

"Yeah, you're right, it isn't." he said. "Actually, I'm quite proud of this idea of mine. I've found the perfect way to drive you insane forever."

The Doctor snorted.

"Yeah, right, you've been trying to do that for centuries."

"Ah, but those other times I didn't have access to the internet and the plethora of MP3's and videos that people upload onto sites like You Tube or Imeem. Using the Earthling's technology, I have designed a way to torture you and turn your Time Lord brain to mushy goo."

"Do your worst. I can take anything you throw at me!"

The Master smirked.

"Very well, I shall start your torment then."

He walked out the door as the Doctor tried once more to break free of his restraints. He heard a click coming from a speaker mounted in the ceiling above him and he paused when he suddenly heard someone in a sped up voice singing,

"OH, I'M A GUMMI BEAR, YES I'M A GUMMI BEAR, OH, I'M A YUMMY, CHUMMY, FUNNY, LUCKY GUMMI BEAR."

The Doctor looked up at the speaker as the Master entered the room and smirked at him. The Doctor looked at him.

"What is this?" the Doctor said to him.

"Oh, I found it on You Tube. It's very popular. As you can see, it is incredibly annoying and yet strangely addicting at the same time. However, once you've heard this and other annoying novelty songs over and over and over, I'm thinking you'll be as crazy as me."

"Is that it? You're going to subject me to silly songs? This is the best you can come up with?"

The Doctor laughed.

"Go ahead then, carry out your idiotic scheme! I'll be sitting here laughing at you the whole time."

The Master smirked.

"We shall see, Doctor. Have fun!"

He left the room, closed the door, and locked it.

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(Two hours later…)

HERE'S A LLAMA, THERE'S A LLAMA AND ANOTHER LITTLE LLAMA. FUZZY LLAMA, FUNNY LLAMA, LLAMA, LLAMA, DUCK!

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP, MASTER! IT'S NOT WORKING!" the Doctor screamed at the door. "YOU'LL NEVER BREAK MY WILL! NEVER!"

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(Four hours later…)

DO THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT…

"Must stay focused." The Doctor murmured to himself. "Must ignore cheesy, annoying novelty songs. I can't let the Master drive me insane. Must fight the urge to vomit."

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(Six hours later…)

The Doctor bellowed and tried to get out of his restraints as 'I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!' played for the twenty third time.

"ARRRGH! YOU BASTARD! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR, YOU ARE DEAD!" the Doctor screamed hysterically.

He looked down at the restraints around his wrists trying to block out Johnny Depp's voice so he could think straight. But the only thing he could think of was to gnaw through the leather straps. He tried to lower his head to his wrist do it, but couldn't reach far enough. Letting out a scream of frustration, he cursed the Master, the universe and the sons of bitches who thought up the idea of novelty songs in the first place.

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(Eight hours later…)

"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world," the Doctor murmured with a faraway look in his eyes. "Life in plastic, it's fantastic…"

The Doctor was lost in his own little world mindlessly singing 'Barbie Girl' and 'Mmmbop' to himself when the door was suddenly kicked open and Rose and Jack rushed into the room.

"Oh God, Doctor, are you all right?" she said bending over him.

He gave her an insane grin.

"I'm a Gummi bear, yes I'm a Gummi bear, I'm a yummy, chummy, funny, lucky Gummi Bear." He sang to her.

He giggled hysterically at that.

"Oh God, the Master's done something to his mind. We have to get back to the TARDIS." Rose said looking at Jack.

"Hey Rose, guess what I got?" the Doctor said looking at her.

Rose frowned.

"What?" she said.

The Doctor gave her a lopsided grin.

"I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIIIIRT, I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIIIIRT, I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT?"

He snickered at the exasperated look on Rose's face.

"Come on Jack; help me get him out of the restraints. She said looking back at him.

They untied him as the Doctor murmured. "I'm blue, da ba dee, da ba dai, da ba dee, dabadai." to himself.

They lifted him out of the chair and walked him out of the room while the Doctor yelled, "Hey Rose, guess what time it is? IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!"

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(Two days later…)

Rose looked up as the Doctor walked into the console room. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw he was back to his old self. After they had gotten him back to the TARDIS, he had been resting in the med bay hooked up to machines that helped heal his novelty song ridden mind. He smiled at her and sat in the captain's chair beside her.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Much, much, better." The Doctor said putting his arm around her. "I'm so glad that's over with. You humans sure can come up with some annoying songs when you want to."

"You sure you're completely over it?" Rose asked.

The Doctor nodded.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I've survived worse than a bunch of weird, obnoxious songs. My only regret is the Master was long gone by the time you got there. I want nothing more than to shove his ass in that chair and subject him to the same stupid songs. Bastard." He muttered.

"Well, we can worry about him later. All that matters is you're safe." Rose replied.

"Yup, safe and sound and far, far, away from those songs," the Doctor said. "And I hope to Rassilon I never hear any of them again."

He glanced over and smiled when Jack came into the room. As he walked towards the Doctor and Rose, he suddenly froze when his mobile began to ring. The Doctor glared at him when he heard his ringtone playing,

'I've got a jar of diiirt, I've got a jar of diiirt, I've got a jar of diiirt, and guess what's inside it."

Jack laughed nervously as the Doctor sprang to his feet and began to walk slowly towards him.

"Um, yeah, sorry about that, Ianto put that on my phone as a joke. I forgot it was still on there."

He gulped as the ringtone continued to play and the Doctor balled up his fist and gave him a murderous look.

"Um, maybe I'll take this call outside in the vortex." Jack said inching towards the front door.

He screamed as the Doctor took a swing at him. The Doctor chased him around the console room while he tried to grab the mobile out of Jack's hand so he could beat him to death with it.

"YOU'RE GONNA THINK I HAVE A JAR OF DIRT WHEN I THROW SOME ON YOUR CASKET AS IT'S BEING LOWERED INTO YOUR BLOODY GRAVE!" the Doctor screamed. "AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN'T DIE; I'LL NAIL THE LID DOWN AND BURY YOU ALIVE WITH THAT PHONE!"

"DOCTOR, I'M SORRY, REALLY, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I FORGOT IT WAS ON THERE! IT'S AN HONEST MISTAKE! KILL IANTO! HE'S THE ONE WHO PUT IT ON MY PHONE IN THE FIRST PLACE! DOCTOR, DOCTOOOOOR!

THE END


End file.
